So Choose Love 02

People will have questions. Whatever it is that we believe in and hold on to will be questioned.Some people will ask out of contempt. Still, others will ask with sincerity. The important thing we have to do is to avoid making these questions about us. Remove the 'me' that comes out so often when you defend a stance and allow all arguments to anchor on love. Paul puts it expressly in Corinthians that love does not insist on its own way (1 Corinthians 13:4-5). It is the nature of love, to be willing to see things from another person’s point of view. In Jerry Bridges book ‘Respectable Sins,’ he calls our attention to the sins in our lives that we tolerate. He says that as much as we are usually keen to avoid scandalous sins, most of the time we are guilty of pride, selfishness, ungodliness, irritability, anxiety just to mention a few. And while tackling selfishness, one point he addresses is being inconsiderate. Most of the time whatever we do has everything to do with us. Its either we want to look important, more than we actually really are, or we want to paint someone else in a much lesser light than us. The world is teaching us to think more about ourselves than about other people. This is what we call solipsism. The Bible says that we are to think of others as better than ourselves. And that doesn’t mean we are useless, neither does it insinuate that we are dispensable. It just means what it says: that however good we are, we are to think of others as better than ourselves. Difficult to take in, right? Well, the truth’s always hard to take in, at least at first.

Therefore, you don't really have to appear important, virtuous or perfect. You only need to show love; sincere and fervent love. Sincere means that it has to be true, no feigning. Fervent means that it is enduring, despite resistance. And most of the time, no, all of the time that is what truly matters. So while we listen to somebody, we might consider thinking critically if there could be just a possibility that they know something that we don’t. It is true that some people can be quite overbearing in that way that is so irritating, that is so selfish and clearly inconsiderate, because after all, the world isn’t short of sociopaths. But if we become those kind of people, especially after we have known the truth, what does it make us? The greatest revenge, it has been said, is to be a good person. And our Lord Jesus Christ said, that even though we have had it told to us, an eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth, yet He said, do not resist anyone who is evil. Matthew 5:38-41. Don’t avenge yourselves, instead, pray for those who persecute you. Forgive them. Because when you forgive them, you deny them power over you. But when you hold a grudge, it's as though you carry fire in your bosom, will you not be burnt?

I have noticed something about myself, I don’t take feedback as well as I should. Especially from my family and friends. The fact that these are my friends and my family, the people that will ever truly be close to me, is really disturbing. Because, why would they point out something that is wrong with me? Why would my mom, for instance, comment on a trait or behavior she dislikes? Does my mom have something against me? Is my mom trying to compete with me? She isn’t. And even if she was, isn’t it true that she is more important than I? I exist because she does. I am because she is. So why do I get so defensive when she corrects me? You see, I am the problem. And just like G. K. Chesterton replied to the letter when he was asked to write an essay about what was wrong with the world and he said, ‘I am,’ and mailed it back. So what is wrong with the world? We are. What is wrong with your relationship? You are. What is wrong with your life? You are. What is wrong with your academics? You are. Jordan Peterson says in 12 Rules for Life: Our specific personal faults detrimentally affect the world. Our conscious voluntary sins … make things worse than they have to be. Our inaction, inertia and cynicism removes from the world that part of us that could quell suffering and make peace. And that’s not good (abridged). Our actions are part of a sequence of events that alter so many things. If we correct our mistakes, no matter how small they are or how insignificant they may seem, we make the world a better place. If we fail to take responsibility, we not only fail ourselves, we fail the world. We fail our families, we fail our parents, we fail our bosses; the consequences of our actions are never isolated but detrimentally affect the world. That’s why Rule 6 says: Set your house in perfect order before you criticize the world.

When you become defensive, you make arguments to be about you, which most of the time isn't the case. Because, and I hope you won’t feel as though I am contradicting myself, the person you are arguing with has also made it about themselves. So the truth is, it isn’t about you, it's about them. To be defensive is to be weak, and so insecure to the point where we feel that if somebody would say something terrible about us, we would feel as though we weren’t good in any other way. Yet criticism and indifference is what we will always receive from the world. Sure you know of the story of a father and his son, who were taking a donkey to the market to sell. Whatever it is they did: whether they walked along with the donkey, or the son rode it, or the father rode it, or they both rode it, or they carried it, at every point someone criticized their actions. This could be just that, a fable, but we shouldn’t expect better, because at every point someone is going to have something to say about us. That doesn’t matter, what matters is we do the right thing. Whatever becomes of it is ceases to be our business as Ryan Holiday occasionally puts it in his books.

So be objective, and regard diligently what you intend to say. Speak slowly, keenly avoiding any contradictions. Speak with grace, to build up your hearers. Don’t say what is not true. Don’t say what you don’t mean Don’t say what you don’t believe. Regret what you didn’t say, not what you did. Do not assume people know what you are talking about. Be audible, speak factually and make sure to avoid unnecessary digressions unless they are truly important to the topic you are addressing. If you have nothing to say, say nothing. Not everything that crosses your mind is worth being mentioned. Don’t say what you think, it should be the other way round. Will what you say give answers? Or will it lead to more doubts? Avoid the latter. Do your convictions stem from the Scriptures? Are you being selfish? Inconsiderate? Knowing how to properly express ourselves is a real deal. It changes circumstances. Whenever we have an opportunity to speak, we will always have a choice, are we going to be egotistical and insensitive jerks only thinking about themselves, or are we going to be regardful and mindful of others instead. The emphasis here is that it is not always about us.

Be willing to see someone else’s perspective, listen keenly and respect their view about things. You earn nothing by always telling people they are wrong.

If anything you are just making enemies.

It is not about you, don’t allow your mind play tricks on you.

What do you feel about this argument on how we are supposed to respond to criticism or disagreements?

• I am challenged to argue from a place of love
• Well, I need some time to take it in.

You can vote for more than one answer.