Oh Sweet Success!

Even though suffering and pain has caused many of us to be resentful, I think that one of the most life-changing lesson we’ll ever learn is to be truly grateful for all that we’ve been through. Looking at my life, I can now see that it has been precisely those not so good circumstances that have made me what I am. Not that I am at my best, for I am making every effort to do much better, to be much better, and importantly, to be content. Not complacent, but content.

Success is counted sweetest

By those who ne'er succeed.

To comprehend a nectar

Requires sorest need.

Not one of all the purple host

Who took the flag to–day

Can tell the definition,

So clear, of victory,

As he, defeated, dying,

On whose forbidden ear

The distant strains of triumph

Break, agonized and clear!

Contentment is a choice, albeit a tough one. Most times we fret over what we do not have, when we are supposed to learn to be appreciative for what we do have. One thing that hurts gratitude and fulfillment is familiarity. When we imagine that whatever we have is normal it is easy to think that everybody else has the same privileges. They don’t. Dickinson says it’s only those who have lost who truly know what a win means. Someone who has always been winning, wouldn’t be as moved by another win as would that who has failed again and again. For the former, it’s just an ongoing streak, for the latter, it would come as a source of great joy and excitement.

To understand the sweetness of nectar requires sorest need. It’s only the thirsty who are are refreshed. It’s only by being intentional are we able to see and notice those who have carried us on their shoulders. Those who have guided us on our path. We will never automatically appreciate the strides we are making until we step out of our success and see all that is going on in the world. Then we can see how things have actually played out for our favor. We may not have all we desire yet but there are people who would appreciate that which seems dispensable and useless to us. For us it is just a normal thing, other people, and many they are, would be exceedingly grateful for such a blessing. This in part is the argument Virginia Woolf advances in her remarkable essay On Being Ill when she explains how illness opens up the senses of its victim. I agree with her, for it is when I have been really sick that I have had to imagine, and appreciate, the blessedness of health. Think of it, all the people who have not known a day of wholesome health in their lives. All those battling chronic illnesses, some even incurable. It is them who know the blessedness of good health, not us, who are okay for the better part of our lives. Success is counted sweet by those who never succeed, and we cannot tell so clearly the sweetness of victory as that person who is lying down, defeated, vanquished. We do not really know the pains of the world, at least not yet. Neither do we know that so many people― afflicted, hurt, crushed― would gladly give up their lives just to have ours.

I am what I am because the gracious Lord that He is, He sent all the amazing people my way. People who have guided me, who have helped me, who have encouraged me, who have rebuked me, and who have challenged me. Once, on my twitter thread, I came across a quote by Charles Spurgeon, “had there been some circumstance better than that which we are in right now, God would have placed us in that circumstance.” For some, we could attribute the terrible state of their circumstances to complacency, due to their failure to be diligent in business, but as long as we are committed to excellence, every circumstance just happens to be a checkpoint towards the next season of our lives.

There’s so much we take for granted as long as it is within reach, but when it is taken from us, then we can now understand what we are without it. We will lose friends and our loved ones at some point, then the part they played in our sanity and well-being, though probably insignificant until then, will become glaringly apparent.

It could be difficult, but we do need to cultivate an attitude of gratitude for who we are, who we have, and what we have. It is important that we notice people, that we notice things. Thirst, real thirst could just make a man realize that water is not after all tasteless. Let’s be grateful for what we have, and stop being anxious for what we don’t.

Aim Past the Wood

I don’t think most of you reading this chop wood that often, I hope that some of you have, nonetheless, done so once or twice, and that all of us can at least picture the endeavor. I have had to chop wood myself, and I can say with certainty borne from experience that it is not an exactly enjoyable affair, especially if you don’t know how to do it in the first place, or if you are aware that there’s something much better and easier you would rather be doing at that time.

Photo by Zhivko Minkov on Unsplash

Whilst reading Annie Dillard’s book ‘The Writing Life’― very relatable in its exploration of how bleak the life of any serious writer is― I came across this evocative encouragement. Aim for the chopping block. It doesn’t make a lot of sense, does it? Well, the idea here is that when you chop wood, you don’t just aim at the wood you are chopping, but at what’s beyond it, beneath it. That means that if you are chopping wood on the ground, you aim for the ground beneath the wood. I thought this brought a little bit of perspective to the goals most of us have in life. For most people, what matters is they accomplish their goals, nothing more. What if there could be something more than just the goals?

Brianna Wiest argues in 101 Essays That Will Change the Way You Think that, achieving goals is not success, how much we expand in the process is. For all we are doing, what will matter in the end is not just the goals we accomplished but the people we became in the process. Only focusing on goals is being too superficial, content with a surface view of the ocean when there’s a much more amazing sight in the depths.

While we think about this technique of chopping wood, the popular quote about shooting for the stars, so that even if we miss, we can still land on the moon ends up making much more sense, now that we can think of it reasonably. You treat the wood as a transparent means to an end, by aiming past it.

And there are ladies whose hearts you win by focusing on something more than the lady herself, something beyond her. In the end, you become a better person, and you ‘bag’ her in the process. In simple terms, you work diligently on yourself to be worthy of her, and then maybe she just may have to be worthy of you as well. For my fellow medics, you could aim for something beyond a mere grade on a paper, you could instead focus on treating your patient right, on getting them the care they so much deserve. It’s not exactly good grades that will make your patient happy, but should you focus on the latter, good grades will not be so much hard to attain.

When you keep the bigger thing in mind, the smaller things give way. Don’t be too superficial. Aim for the chopping block, if you aim for the wood, you will have nothing. Aim past the wood, aim through the wood; aim for the chopping block.

References

1. The Writing Life by Annie Dillard.

2. 101 Essays That Will Change the Way You Think by Brianna Wiest

Tell her she looks nice, and mean it

“Henry! Where is this coming from?” you are probably asking, a little surprised at such impertinence. Let me ask, however, have you ever seen as the prettiest lady in the world, beautifully clad and resplendent in the most gorgeous dress? And I’m not talking of the ostentatious bedecking that ladies do nowadays, or of the indecent fashion meant to make a statement to the world. Instead, I am referring to beauty in its most natural and decent form. If you have seen such an angel of a lady, did you tell her she looked nice, that she was pretty that evening? Would you?

I was sitting in the library today, and then I stumbled upon this thought, and decided to pursue it to these lengths. I was able to notice that I was not especially frank when it came to my reaction about how ladies looked. I, however, hope to bank on your knowledge of the fact that beauty is such a subjective thing, and different people judge it differently. So why does this have to be a big deal? Well, it isn’t. Nonetheless, allow me explain what I mean.

As days go by, most people think more about themselves and little about anything or anybody else, so that today, if anyone gives something, they unconsciously expect the recipients of their kindness to be able to give it back. But does the world really work that way, and are we entitled to receive because we gave? When a man tells a lady she looks beautiful, I have noticed that most of the time, it usually has everything to do with the man and quite little to do with the lady. You look beautiful becomes a statement meant to affirm something in the man rather than in the lady, a statement mostly said in order for the man to get what he wants. That means that on most occasions, the statement is usually a lie. It could be what some people call gas-lighting. Is it right to praise someone when the praise is anything but sincere? I believe our aim should be to praise without flattering. Without lying. We lie when we tell people things we do not mean, things we do not believe to be true ourselves.

When it comes to crushes, it certainly is a much more complicated thing. Personally, I soon realized that I was usually a little beside myself when I was around a lady I thought I liked. I could tell all the ladies in the world how beautiful they were, but when there was something special about that lady in my heart, I rarely had the confidence to stand up to her and say those exact words I uttered freely to everybody else. Did that reveal anything? I think it did. It showed that whatever complement I put across was mostly determined by my own feelings and agenda, whatever they were, and rarely issued from a place of sincere appreciation. That’s so immature, and unfair, if you really think about it. I have since realized that all the anxiety that a man could ever have, in this case a good man; or a man who looks like a good man, mostly stems out from the fact that the man, despite his goodness, probably doesn’t have sincere intentions with the lady he thinks he likes. I hope you will now get what I mean when I say that a man becomes mature enough when he can commend his crush for her beauty, without any hints of trying to seduce her, or trying to make her fall in love with him. 

In his popular book How To Win Friends and Influence People , Dale Carnegie explains that the way to get people to like you is to be first genuinely interested in them without trying to get them to be interested in you. Aha, Henry and friends, I bet you can now see why you have been messing up your chances since the time you tried to win any lady’s affection. It is imperative that we become humble enough to admit that our lives are not that interesting after all, and neither are we the good people we are pretending to be, and are in fact, otherwise. The reasonable thing to do is to be interested in the lady in question without having any qualms of whether she will be interested in you or not; something that more or less goes along the line, I like you but it doesn’t matter if you don’t like me, I like you for the both of us. I hope you are wise enough to never say out loud anything like that previous statement. And just to be clear, it’s a joke.

What then? Give but expect nothing in return. Are you willing to love someone fervently despite not knowing if they will ever love you back? If you aren’t, is it even love in the first place? When you see her next time, tell her she looks nice, and mean it. Then walk away, forget about her, and focus on more important things. Don’t deceive yourselves with thoughts that she likes you as well because of a smile she gave you when you complimented her. What matters is that you meant what you said. And to the ladies, if he looks nice, tell him, but be careful not to say this to the immature ones who will then cling at your skirts henceforth because they interpreted an innocent compliment for a romantic interest.