So Choose Love 02

People will have questions. Whatever it is that we believe in and hold on to will be questioned.Some people will ask out of contempt. Still, others will ask with sincerity. The important thing we have to do is to avoid making these questions about us. Remove the 'me' that comes out so often when you defend a stance and allow all arguments to anchor on love. Paul puts it expressly in Corinthians that love does not insist on its own way (1 Corinthians 13:4-5). It is the nature of love, to be willing to see things from another person’s point of view. In Jerry Bridges book ‘Respectable Sins,’ he calls our attention to the sins in our lives that we tolerate. He says that as much as we are usually keen to avoid scandalous sins, most of the time we are guilty of pride, selfishness, ungodliness, irritability, anxiety just to mention a few. And while tackling selfishness, one point he addresses is being inconsiderate. Most of the time whatever we do has everything to do with us. Its either we want to look important, more than we actually really are, or we want to paint someone else in a much lesser light than us. The world is teaching us to think more about ourselves than about other people. This is what we call solipsism. The Bible says that we are to think of others as better than ourselves. And that doesn’t mean we are useless, neither does it insinuate that we are dispensable. It just means what it says: that however good we are, we are to think of others as better than ourselves. Difficult to take in, right? Well, the truth’s always hard to take in, at least at first.

Therefore, you don't really have to appear important, virtuous or perfect. You only need to show love; sincere and fervent love. Sincere means that it has to be true, no feigning. Fervent means that it is enduring, despite resistance. And most of the time, no, all of the time that is what truly matters. So while we listen to somebody, we might consider thinking critically if there could be just a possibility that they know something that we don’t. It is true that some people can be quite overbearing in that way that is so irritating, that is so selfish and clearly inconsiderate, because after all, the world isn’t short of sociopaths. But if we become those kind of people, especially after we have known the truth, what does it make us? The greatest revenge, it has been said, is to be a good person. And our Lord Jesus Christ said, that even though we have had it told to us, an eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth, yet He said, do not resist anyone who is evil. Matthew 5:38-41. Don’t avenge yourselves, instead, pray for those who persecute you. Forgive them. Because when you forgive them, you deny them power over you. But when you hold a grudge, it's as though you carry fire in your bosom, will you not be burnt?

I have noticed something about myself, I don’t take feedback as well as I should. Especially from my family and friends. The fact that these are my friends and my family, the people that will ever truly be close to me, is really disturbing. Because, why would they point out something that is wrong with me? Why would my mom, for instance, comment on a trait or behavior she dislikes? Does my mom have something against me? Is my mom trying to compete with me? She isn’t. And even if she was, isn’t it true that she is more important than I? I exist because she does. I am because she is. So why do I get so defensive when she corrects me? You see, I am the problem. And just like G. K. Chesterton replied to the letter when he was asked to write an essay about what was wrong with the world and he said, ‘I am,’ and mailed it back. So what is wrong with the world? We are. What is wrong with your relationship? You are. What is wrong with your life? You are. What is wrong with your academics? You are. Jordan Peterson says in 12 Rules for Life: Our specific personal faults detrimentally affect the world. Our conscious voluntary sins … make things worse than they have to be. Our inaction, inertia and cynicism removes from the world that part of us that could quell suffering and make peace. And that’s not good (abridged). Our actions are part of a sequence of events that alter so many things. If we correct our mistakes, no matter how small they are or how insignificant they may seem, we make the world a better place. If we fail to take responsibility, we not only fail ourselves, we fail the world. We fail our families, we fail our parents, we fail our bosses; the consequences of our actions are never isolated but detrimentally affect the world. That’s why Rule 6 says: Set your house in perfect order before you criticize the world.

When you become defensive, you make arguments to be about you, which most of the time isn't the case. Because, and I hope you won’t feel as though I am contradicting myself, the person you are arguing with has also made it about themselves. So the truth is, it isn’t about you, it's about them. To be defensive is to be weak, and so insecure to the point where we feel that if somebody would say something terrible about us, we would feel as though we weren’t good in any other way. Yet criticism and indifference is what we will always receive from the world. Sure you know of the story of a father and his son, who were taking a donkey to the market to sell. Whatever it is they did: whether they walked along with the donkey, or the son rode it, or the father rode it, or they both rode it, or they carried it, at every point someone criticized their actions. This could be just that, a fable, but we shouldn’t expect better, because at every point someone is going to have something to say about us. That doesn’t matter, what matters is we do the right thing. Whatever becomes of it is ceases to be our business as Ryan Holiday occasionally puts it in his books.

So be objective, and regard diligently what you intend to say. Speak slowly, keenly avoiding any contradictions. Speak with grace, to build up your hearers. Don’t say what is not true. Don’t say what you don’t mean Don’t say what you don’t believe. Regret what you didn’t say, not what you did. Do not assume people know what you are talking about. Be audible, speak factually and make sure to avoid unnecessary digressions unless they are truly important to the topic you are addressing. If you have nothing to say, say nothing. Not everything that crosses your mind is worth being mentioned. Don’t say what you think, it should be the other way round. Will what you say give answers? Or will it lead to more doubts? Avoid the latter. Do your convictions stem from the Scriptures? Are you being selfish? Inconsiderate? Knowing how to properly express ourselves is a real deal. It changes circumstances. Whenever we have an opportunity to speak, we will always have a choice, are we going to be egotistical and insensitive jerks only thinking about themselves, or are we going to be regardful and mindful of others instead. The emphasis here is that it is not always about us.

Be willing to see someone else’s perspective, listen keenly and respect their view about things. You earn nothing by always telling people they are wrong.

If anything you are just making enemies.

It is not about you, don’t allow your mind play tricks on you.

What do you feel about this argument on how we are supposed to respond to criticism or disagreements?

• I am challenged to argue from a place of love
• Well, I need some time to take it in.

You can vote for more than one answer.

To all the ladies interested in me

Dear ladies,

I am not who you think I am. I am a good person, or at least I try to be, but I am not a great guy. When you spend a lot of time around me, it’s very likely that you will either hate me, or really like me. When you spend so much time around somebody, it’s easy to fall into the temptation of thinking you like them, even think you love them, but do you?

In the words of Shakespeare, ‘the whole world’s a stage, men merely players, and one man in his life plays many parts.’ I as well, have many masks, donning the one that suits the occasion. When it counts I am able to put on my best behavior. I’ll be able to command the decorum if need be, even exude the right kind of mien, but will you use a single conversation to judge me, will you summarize my life based on just one or two conversations. Are you sure you know me, or do you just have but an idea of who I am? What do you want to believe about me? do you think I can be that good, that perfect, consistently? Everyday? You don’t see me as I am, but as I appear to be.

At first, love appears to be something that unconsciously comes to us. It feels as though its something we are compelled to do. But thereafter love is a choice that we have to make everyday. Infatuation is a beautiful thing, but there comes a time when it all wanes away, and the energy dies of, after that love becomes a deliberate choice we have to make. What if I will get to meet a lady who is more beautiful than my wife, will it be a reason to love my wife less? In youthful passion, when our blood runs hot,

as Polonius would say concerning Hamlet in the famous tragedy, how prodigious the tongue lends vows. We may entertain fancies and fantasies, we may hold on to chimeras when there is no price to pay, because love seems a beautiful thing when it costs us nothing, but at the slightest inconvenience reality intrudes. We realize we never loved, and if we did, we only loved ourselves, or just loved the idea of being in love.

I am pretending, and when we finally get married, I don’t think I could keep the pretense for that long. I cannot keep wearing the mask. At some point I will get irascible, I will shout at you when in frustration, I will not want to see you or anyone else for a week. Is this the life you will want? May be you want it before you have it. Because you like me you want to believe I am a good person, but I am putting it down candidly when I say that I am not. If anything, I can only hurt you, I can only break your heart. All that may even sound like a beautiful thing abstractly, until I actually do that to you. Akipenda chongo huita kengeza.

Randolph Bourne in his essay The Handicapped, addresses the relationships men have with ladies. ‘Why does society assume that every relationship a man has with a woman has to be romantic?’ he asks. ‘How degrading!’ I can almost hear him sigh. When a handicapped man makes friends with a lady, it is mostly true friendship because no one is trying to be good; they are just being themselves. The handicapped man has no need to perform, to have the lady think highly of him; the lady on her part doesn’t try to impress a handicapped man. That way falsehood is stripped away, and there can only be truth, even if in part. That is the nature of true love, it isn't trying to gain anything; it isn’t thinking about itself, and what’s in it for it. You dread thinking that by loving me you are in love with yourself, but it’s the truth. You don’t love me, neither do I you; I don’t want to waste my time trying to make myself believe I do. If you haven’t been able to make yourself happy all this while, why do you think I will now be able to make you happy?

The one thing older people have that we lack is perspective. We see a part, and try to make the whole fit that part. Older people see the whole, and then fit the parts into the whole. They have perspective. They have experienced life, and life has taught them not to just see what they want to see. You may enjoy twenty minutes of my time, but that doesn’t mean you will enjoy thirty years of marriage with me.

I am growing to know myself, many of you are as well. Are you sure you know what you want already. Why marry a man, and then after a year realize you actually do not love them. Everything seems to be telling you that you won’t be happy, but you still think how beautiful it would be to spend your life with this person. The universe whispers until it shouts. Why do you want me to lie to you, I don’t know myself well enough by now to be sure whether I love you or I am just enjoying the fantasy of being in love with you.

When we are paying attention to something, the thing usually exalts itself to the point of seeming so important. Becoming important simply by virtue of us paying attention to it. But is it something that we will always be looking at. There’s a joke I once heard, ‘sometimes its hunger that makes me like a lady, but when I am full, I come back to my senses.’ ( it sounds better is Swahili) Could it be that you are just hungry? Could it be that you are just bored, jaded, tired and love has so exalted itself to that place of importance.

May be you know hate me, “just how insensitive can someone be!’ you are probably saying. May be you have always hated me; may be you just don’t care. I broke your heart. Could it be because you chose to entertain an idea of me? Suddenly I stopped doing what you thought I should have been doing; I step out of a notion you had of me. Was it my mistake? Why’d you believe that anyone could be that good, that I could be that good. Why did you debase yourself so much as to think a lady such as yourself, beautiful and gracious, that an idiot like me would ever deserve you. When there are many other better people than myself, why did you still choose me? You know you deserved better, and it was your mistake you looked no other way. I can only hope you learnt your lesson.

Why can’t we just be friends? Why do we have to take it farther? Why do we have to make ourselves slaves to such caprices that will only break our hearts? Is it fair that I demand a relationship when we are so better as friends? What happiness would dating add to our companionship that we do not yet enjoy as friends? When you are my friend I won’t have to pretend, we won’t have to pretend. We will still be friend even if we won’t talk for a month. Yes, we won’t have to talk everyday. You wont feel terrible about me not always focusing on you; you will understand that you are not my whole world, that I have other things to do as well.

May be I will get better, but it’s likely that I will get worse. It’s good that you have so much hope, but why believe in me so much when I don’t believe in myself. If I don’t love you, truly love you, is it a likely thing that the intenseness of your love will make me fall in love with you? I don’t want to love you because I have pity on you, I don’t want to love you because it is expedient. I want to love you because it is a choice I’m making; because I can never be happy with anyone else as long as you walk on this planet. Retine vim istam, falsa enim dicam, si coges

I don’t love you. If I say I do, know its another one of my lies.

Restrain your violence, for I will lie if you force me.

Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening by Robert Frost

Whose woods these are I think I know.

His house is in the village;

He will not see me stopping here

To watch his woods fill up with snow.

My little horse must think it queer

To stop without a farmhouse near

Between the woods and frozen lake

The darkest evening of the year.

He gives his harness bells a shake

To ask if there’s a mistake.

The only other sound’s the sweep

Of easy wind and downy flake.

The woods are lovely, dark and deep,

But I have promises to keep,

And miles to go before I sleep,

And miles to go before I sleep.

Anyone who has gone through high school certainly knows of Robert Frost. (Frost? It’s funny this poem is about snow.) In those days, alongside his counterparts, I regarded Robert Frost as a sadist sent to traumatize students studying poetry. Today, when I look back, I see him more in a light of veneration than with a sigh of desperation. The Road Not Taken remains to be my favorite verse, and I bet it is as well for so many others. Whats yours best poem? Who is your best poet?

At one time, I was reading an essay addressing the interpretation of poems. The insistence was that poetry is not really important for its intellectual edge as it is for its ability to appeal to the senses. Poetry is first of all meant to be enjoyed before it can be understood. Comprehend the sound before you construe the meaning. I agree. In my high school times the aim was to get what the poem means. There was always the question, what is the poem about? I am sure I got that question right on less than two occasions. My interpretation of any poem was always so wrong, glaringly and embarrassingly wrong. I have since, however, begun to enjoy poems for their sounds, rhymes, and melodies, and then in some kind of epiphany, the meaning has poured itself out. ( Wait, my intention is not to be cheeky, but can you still give the rhyme scheme of the poem?)

I am not confident in my skills when it comes to dissecting poems for their meanings, but today, I will share with you what I understood from this poem.

Robert Frost (assuming he is the persona) seems to be in a journey, to whence we cannot tell, but then he stops on his way there to look into the woods. To him these woods with all the snow is something beautiful to look upon. It is as if he wants to stand and watch the woods filling with snow for as long as he could, but he remembers that he has a journey ahead of him. He has responsibilities to live up to and promises to keep. And because of that he has to go on with his journey. Beautiful right?

This poem has typified my life in so many instances, it may have yours as well. For most of us, we are in a journey, some will call it destiny, some see it as a purpose we have to fulfill. For several people we have goals we look forward to actualizing, may be it is to turn back the tide of lack and poverty in our families, may be it is to alleviate the suffering of people in the world. But in the end, we are pressing forward to do something. Yet on the way there, there would be distractions, there would be things that would nag us to forsake the rightful path, probably for the sake of expedience. The journey during such instances seems to be a long one, and it can always wait, can’t it?

Yet the consciousness of responsibility causes the persona (goodness! It feels as though I am in my high school regalia) to get back to his journey. In my article, What am I here for?, I said that for nearly all of us, our aim is to be successful, to be at the top someday if that is what matters to us. However, we cannot take the same path there, our paths are different, and for some of us we cannot bear to compromise, life has simply not made that provision for us. That’s why comparing ourselves to others becomes so destructive. What promises do I have to keep? What responsibilities await me? The answers to these questions are not the same. There are people who can stand back as long as they are want, and watch the woods fill with snow. There are others, and many they are, who have to keep going, focusing on the prize ahead of them. It’s the consciousness of what is demanded of them that galvanizes them to action.

What motivates people to work towards their goals and for the betterment of their lives and society, is very peculiar and personal, we do not share destinies after all. The question then becomes what price do I have to pay personally? Once we know the price we have to pay, we will understand and see it as our own burden to carry. We cannot then afford to blame anyone, we cannot point fingers when we fail to deliver. Reaching that destiny will certainly require discipline, and sacrifice. Yet we are not to expect other people to be disciplined in that same way. They may be on a whole different path altogether, and the sacrifices that they may be making or may have to make doesn’t have to resemble the ones we are making. That’s why it is unreasonable to expect others to make the same trade offs we are making, and immature to get resentful because they aren’t sacrificing as much as we are. Yes, it’s all about trade offs. We give something up to have something else, and in this case we give up watching the woods so that we can be fast and on time when it comes to our responsibilities.

In the parting shot of his book, 12 Rules for Life, Jordan Peterson, answers the question: what shall I do with my newly found pen of light? He clarifies on what exactly everyone should aim to do with the knowledge they have now acquired. He says, ‘our specific personal faults detrimentally affect the world, our conscious, voluntary sins make things worse than they have to be. Failure to make the proper sacrifices […] weakens us― and in that weakened state we are unable to thrive in the world, being of no benefit to ourselves and to others.’ Robert Greene in Laws of Human Nature puts it more candidly when he says, ‘we are here not merely to gratify our impulses and consume what others have made, but to make and contribute as well, to serve a higher purpose.

One time when we were sharing some words with my roommate Njoroge Maina, he explained what drives his commitment to his academics. It made a lot of sense. In the Holy Scriptures, the commandment is that whatever we do, we must do it diligently and faithfully as unto the Lord, without grumbling or complaining. At the end of time we answer to an audience of one. Were we faithful in what had been given to us? because the Master will soon come to settle accounts. Njoroge said that he sees his academic work as divine, a task appointed by God, so that even when tired and weary, he has a reason to rouse himself from sleep and get to work, he serves a purpose higher than himself. In The River and The Source by Margaret Ogola, Mary-Anne explains to Vera that she can serve God in her work, by allowing her Faith in God to permeate her entire life, and to define her work. Mary-Anne exhorts her to do her work, whatever it is, lectures or assignments, well, offering it to God. When we know that we answer to God concerning our work and not man, not even ourselves, the whole perspective of it changes. We cannot do it shoddily anymore. There’s no work in Sheol, where we are going, so whatever our hands find to do, we must do it well.

What are your responsibilities? What is your purpose? What are you meant to give to the world?

Yes, the woods are beautiful, but we have promises to keep.

And miles to go before we sleep.

And miles to go before we sleep.