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As I watched Brenda approach me, clad in her white satin lab coat, my heart raced in my chest. Try as I would, I had never quite gotten used to her beauty, her grace, or her mien. My eyes hurt, so did my heart. After the phone call we had had that night, she could not be the same beautiful Brenda I was in love with, not anymore, yet she was. I hoped I could blind myself from taking in the intensity of her womanly features, but I couldn’t. Her beauty was clearly meant to torture everyone of her acquaintances, especially those of us who desired her but clearly, would never have her. I couldn’t help but relish in her beauty, though I now knew that I despised her, or wanted to. When Brenda walked up to me yesterday evening, her requesting to have a phone call with me later that night was not something I would ever have envisioned. Just a few moments before that, I had never in my life asked any lady out, and when I finally did, I had misdirected the question and so asked the wrong lady out. When I told my wife about this incident years later, she said that I had done that to make Brenda jealous, for there was no sane man in the world who could ever, even if accidentally, ask the wrong lady out. But after all, I knew that I hadn’t been sane. You could not be in love as I was, and still be sane. I wondered whatever it was that she wanted us to speak about on phone, the fact that I could not think about anything the phone call could be about made me shudder, but in its own strange way, also a little excited, only that afterwards I would have more of the former and less of the latter. Maybe my love for her was finally doing its thing; I was finally winning Brenda over bit by bit. But today, while I looked at her, I loathed her. There was something despicable about her beauty. How could she? How did it happen? When? It could not be this Brenda; it could not be the lady I loved, the lady I adored from my first encounter with her in first year, the lady I hoped everyday that one day would be mine. It had to be another Brenda; not this beautiful, kind, quick-witted and principled lady. This one knew what she wanted, she knew what she was working towards. This Brenda could not be pregnant! I could not accept it. I could not believe it. “You are looking at my belly, Henry” she said pitifully, waking me from my reverie. Tears were welling up in the corners of her eyes, and she was clearly putting up a determined struggle to keep them from flowing down her cheeks. I didn’t know whether it was pity or rage I was supposed to feel at that moment. My life had been so simple until that moment when I came to that horrible awakening. I had lived simply, my life consisted of nothing aside my academics and Christian Union. I was a man in love, occasionally sick because of it. I was principled, or at least I thought I was, and then suddenly, I was an accomplice in a scandal. One I did not want to believe but had to anyway. Where was the world angling to? I knew I would never see any lady in the same light again. I hated that I would now always be suspicious, fearing that they were always up to something. If Brenda could get herself pregnant, every other lady might as well as have had. In that moment, I felt that misogynistic urge to punish every other lady for Brenda’s crime but I made every effort to stifle it. “Does Ashley know about this?” I asked reaching into my pockets to get my handkerchief. Why was I even crying! I hated myself for all the pity I felt when it should have been rage. “She should never know.” “What!” I gasped, “Ashley is your closest friend, you have no secrets, you told me so yourself.” “Every lady has her secrets, Henry.” She was calm, but her eyes darted in distress. “What’s the meaning of that?” I asked struggling to keep it at a whisper. “I wouldn’t be able to look at her again, she can never know. Please Henry.” “For how long would it remain a secret?” “I don’t know Henry,” she was about to cry. I would have asked what her intentions were, whether she meant to keep the baby or not. Was there any other options other than keeping the baby? I couldn’t bear to think it! But then, soon her belly would start showing. She turned and walked towards the Pediatric wards, her steps were still confident, her strides graceful. No one would have thought she was a devil, that she could be so loose. But was she? I bit my lower lip and sighed. I was in deep mire, and I couldn’t move lest I made a mess. For how long would I keep the secret? Njoroge would certainly find out, I couldn’t hide it from my roommate for long. I followed her briskly. “Brenda.”

Heartbreak, according to Brianna Wiest, is when somebody fails to fit into the specific notion we created of them. Suddenly, we are heartbroken because we expected that someone would behave in a certain way, and they did not. As long as we allow our expectations of fulfillment to lie with a fellow human being, we set up ourselves for heartbreak. Making us happy is not the reason people exist. These people have their own goals and lives to live, and it is a little unfair to try to force someone to be somebody else. Fulfillment, especially in the area of romance, does not work they way we think it does, and want it to. Fulfillment comes by being able to be responsible for something, in this case, the well-being of someone. Unconditional love on our part is therefore our ability to love someone unconditionally, even if they don’t love us unconditionally. That is not something many people are willing to do, and it could explain why love has eluded many of us, including myself. When we only love someone because of what they can do for us, what about the days when they will be unable to do these things. Take beauty of instance, nothing will remain of that shapely body in a few years. So when her face is wrinkled, and most of her teeth have fallen out, will you still love her? Love goes beyond a woman’s face or body. It’s a good thing to love a pretty woman, but that’s not all there is to love. Love usually asks so much of us than we are ever ready or willing to give. What happened with all your other crushes? Why did you suddenly lose interest in all those boys you thought you loved? It’s hard to say, right? So what makes you think that you won’t lose interest in your current crush as well? The advice being advanced in the world, is that whenever we think we like someone, we should tell them. I don’t think that is ever the right thing to do. You like her, so what! You want her to be your girlfriend? Why? He is the right man for you? How did you know? Does your mentor agree? Commitment is the reality of love that we are never willing to accept. Love is only beautiful when those in love are willing to commit to one another, and mostly commitment is independent of the other person. When we are truly in love, we don’t commit to someone because they have committed to us. Every successful love story or relationship has been so because of commitment. Love is a trade-off we are making; we are essentially saying that we are willing to focus on someone else for the season they are in in our lives. Most of us think that it will be beautiful for that person to focus on us as well. What if they won’t? The Bible says that those who regard the wind will not sow. Love is a risk we take gladly. Aware that in the end, we risk being hurt, but choose to love anyway. If we truly love someone, we take that risk, because we know that it’s in loving them that our lives will make sense, not in them loving us.

Maybe life is depressing because we insist on loving people who don't love us back, who care so little. What of those who have always loved us, even when it was not convenient for them? Most of us are looking for love in the wrong places, from the wrong people. Now that I think about it, it's clear that when it matters most, it's family that will be on our side, not a crush we have been pining after. Sometimes, being a little critical only makes me more cynical when it comes to romance, which isn't a good thing, clearly. And just like most things, there's usually a story behind it, mostly a broken heart. Why don't the people we love love us back? What is heartbreak according to Brianna Wiest [[101 Essays That Will Change the Way You Think]] The deceitfulness of our hearts, and the deceitfulness of sin by John Owen [[Indwelling Sin by John Owen]] Why do we even have crushes, does love lie in our power? [[I Kissed Dating Goodbye by Joshua Harris]] Love is in the long term, and so much may be required of us than we may ever be willing to give. What happened with other crushes? Why did you stop loving them? Are you sure you love her? Why do you think you would want to spend the rest of your life with her? Is there someone better than you that she would be better of having, would you give her up? Are you worthy of her? So what will we choose? When it counts, we choose mind over heart, reason over romance. He who regards the wind will not sow... Sometimes we need to take the risk, if a captain wanted his ship to be safe, he would keep it at the docks, but that is not where ships were build to be. Sometimes despite the hurt we could ever bear, we choose to love. Because when we choose love, we choose vulnerability, we choose to be hurt, to be disappointed. Is it worth it though? That's where perspective from other people come in, people need to see sense on your behalf during the times when you can only see love and nothing else. The heart know its own sorrows, and no one can share in its joy. [[Proverbs]]

There's something quite sublime about pain and suffering. It is only pain that can allow us see certain things. Suffering and deprivation, occasionally serve as instruments that awaken us to the reality and existence of certain things and certain people in our lives, who otherwise we would never think of. How suffering is good in this regard, we can only appreciate when it's past, in retrospect, for no sane man could ever be glad that he is suffering; yet the wisest are glad they suffered. According to Virginia Woolf in her essay "On Being Ill" she explains that the sick man can finally think about the sky, He never would have had had he always known wholesome health all his life. We cannot always be happy. Happiness would not be happiness if there was no sadness. If there was no other emotion in the world that men would be disposed to but happiness, happiness would lose its meaning. Happiness is what it is because sadness is what it is. For happiness to be what it ought to be, sadness is indispensable. We need the sadness in order that we may understand why happiness is such a blessing. When people always get us, when we always want what we have, when success comes easily to anybody who wishes it, what would it mean? It would be intolerable. Always to have sympathy, always to be accompanied, always to be understood would be intolerable- Virginia Woolf It is clear then why A. W. Tozer would say: if we never come down from the mount of blessings we may easily come to trust in our own delights rather than in the unshakable character of God; it is necessary therefore that our watchful Heavenly Father withdraw His inward comforts from us sometimes, to teach us that Christ alone is the rock upon which we must repose our everlasting trust. When we do not fail occasionally, we may forget what it actually means to do well. Even if in part, could this be a probable explanation as to why some people would go to the lengths of actively creating trouble for themselves, and inflicting pain on themselves. Could it be because life isn't life without it's messiness? Certainly, it is the struggles, the striving, the sighs and the pains that give life its meaning. We need the heartbreaks, so that when we are finally loved, we can truly know what it means to be loved with such fervent passion, with no qualms or conditions. It warms our hearts to know everyone loves us, when everyone praises us, but then we find ourselves asking the question, "what does my life mean?" Just like Jephthah in Judges 11 many people have become great because they were rejected. Denied any inheritance and rejected by his brothers for being the son of a harlot, Jephthah went on to become a great army commander. He still, probably, would have had become so great a man had they embraced him as a brother from the beginning, but that would have been quite unlikely. Rejection, pain, disappointments, betrayals, these things not only come to crush us, but to prove us. Privation, inconvenience, and ill-health should open our eyes to see the Lord, to see all that he has made available, all that that in good health looks mundane and dispensable. We need the rejection, the lady we think to be a queen needs to turn down our proposal, so that we could at least come down from our high pedestal and reconcile our state with the general plight of humanity. A lady may need to be broken so that she may stop thinking of herself an angel. We need the pain, we need the suffering, so that we can at least learn our lessons. Let us not run from the wilderness, let us not shun away the night, it has its lessons to teach, and we do well to learn.

Most people are sinners not because of what they have done, but because of what they have not done. The wretchedness of our lives could in some sense be attributed to our inaction during those critical moments of our lives when we needed to do something but instead chose to do nothing. It’s quite clear that it is not always something we do that gets us into trouble, but something we do not do, that we should’ve done. It’s been said that in our old age, we will regret not what we did, but what we did not do. To do nothing is a much greater risk, and I have had someone put it, though a little bit paradoxically, that it takes lots of courage to be a coward. It certainly does. It takes a lot of courage to do nothing, it’s the harder option. What were we supposed to do. Have we restrained our hands from helping, and have we shut our mouths from speaking. By keenly avoiding to face some of the pertinent issues of our lives, we have allowed things to get messier, terrible and out of control. Our contribution could have kept things from escalating but we opted for silence. To date, we haven’t apologized when we should have ages ago. We haven’t shown up for the people we claimed we loved. We have failed to do our best as we promised. We haven’t shown kindness and compassion to those who needed it. As it is, we always miss 100% of the shots we do not take. He who knows what he ought to do, but does not, to him it is sin, so the Scriptures say, he can be sure that his sin will find him out. In Numbers 32, Reuben and Gad choose not to go to battle, opting instead to live by their flocks and take care of their children. Moses asks, “shall your brothers go to war while you sit here?” He warns them, “If you do not go forth to the battles of the Lord, and contend for the Lord God, and for his people, ye do sin against the Lord, and be sure your sin will find you out. In his book Stillness is the Key, Ryan Holiday recounts the words of Nassim Taleb, that if you see fraud, but do not say fraud you are a fraud. There’s the choice about standing back, about not getting our hands dirty, about not getting ourselves involved in other people’s business, but that’s the harder and costlier choice. When we do the silent treatment in a relationship, whether it is with a partner, a friend, a roommate, a parent, a neighbor, when we keep silent when we should speak we act unjustly, and our sin will find us out. When we can help but we do not help, we are the world’s greatest cowards; we are frauds. Ryan goes on to says, the health of our spiritual ideals depend on what we do with our bodies in the moments of truth. The Priest and the Levite who passed by the injured man could have done something, they didn’t; they looked away, they walked away. When someone needed you, did you look away? He who is blessed with the world’s goods, and yet shuts himself up from helping one who is in need, does he not sin? Jesus says: do not refuse him who asks for your help. If you act, will it change anything? If yes, then act. When men take up arms to go to war, do not sit back and rest. Rise with them, go and fight with them. This could bring the just concluded protests in the medical field to mind, but it is more than just showing up with the placard. It is not about yelling, it is saying something when it truly matters. The choice about living like a coward or dying a hero is ours to make, when we do the former, we can be sure our sin will find us out. Things may unspool themselves alright, the storm may calm without us not having acted, but still, we can be sure that our sin will find us out. The honey in the hive might be abundant, but it won’t be what it would have been had all the bees brought in their share of the nectar. What should you be adding to your team? Are you holding back when their goodwill depends on you? Is it your habit not to meet for fellowship? Do you make your contribution of prayers to the common stalk? What have you not done? Have you apologized? Have you clarified your intentions? Notice a need in the world, then do something about it. If you do not know how to help, stand up and ask, “excuse me, how can I help?” Don’t be a coward.

Arthur Pink in his book Attributes of God explains that God is love, not simply in the sense that he loves, but He is love itself. Love not merely being one of God’s attributes, but His very nature. When I did Kairos in 2023, a course meant to give weight and perspective regarding the need for Missions especially among the Unreached People Groups of the world― those who know nothing yet about our Lord Jesus Christ, one of the important lessons that’s still quite solid and fresh was the reminder: God has not only loved us, but he is working to transform us into people who love him. God has loved us, and he requires that we respond to his love by loving him as well, and we prove our love for God when we hope in him and trust in him, when we obey his commandments, and his commandments are not burdensome. There’s no time that proves our love for God as when we are suffering. Suffering should lead us to a place of contemplation on the love of God rather than self-pity and resentment. Suffering and pain are not an end in themselves much more than they are a means to an end. Count it all joy, when you meet various trials, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness, and let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing, so says James. Our love should be fierce during those times when it seems much more difficult to love the Lord, so that with the three Hebrew boys, we may say as well, even if He will not save us, we will not bow down to your graven image…. This kind of fierce obedience proceeds from a place of love, that kind of love that casts away all fear. It is easy to obey God, to trust him, to hope in him when and if we truly love him. It is only love that can say with Job, though he slay me, yet will I trust him. The third chapter of Lamentations recounts the sighs of a man clearly afflicted almost to a point of desperation, however, he proceeds to explain why he has every reason to hope in the Lord, still, because he knows that the Lord’s steadfast love towards him never ceases, and it is because of the Lord’s compassion that he is not consumed. God has been faithful to deliver us in times past, and he promises to deliver us in our current circumstance. It is also because of his steadfast love towards us that He chastens us, for every father disciplines the child he loves. We need to look beyond our suffering and pain, and see how it shapes us. Let us not suffer and be no better for it afterward, learn your lessons. You can trust God, you can hope in God, because he will never disappoint, neither will he cast off forever. Suffering produces steadfastness, and after steadfastness has had its full effect, we are perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.

Even though suffering and pain has caused many of us to be resentful, I think that one of the most life-changing lesson we’ll ever learn is to be truly grateful for all that we’ve been through. Looking at my life, I can now see that it has been precisely those not so good circumstances that have made me what I am. Not that I am at my best, for I am making every effort to do much better, to be much better, and importantly, to be content. Not complacent, but content. Success is counted sweetest By those who ne'er succeed. To comprehend a nectar Requires sorest need. Not one of all the purple host Who took the flag to–day Can tell the definition, So clear, of victory, As he, defeated, dying, On whose forbidden ear The distant strains of triumph Break, agonized and clear! Contentment is a choice, albeit a tough one. Most times we fret over what we do not have, when we are supposed to learn to be appreciative for what we do have. One thing that hurts gratitude and fulfillment is familiarity. When we imagine that whatever we have is normal it is easy to think that everybody else has the same privileges. They don’t. Dickinson says it’s only those who have lost who truly know what a win means. Someone who has always been winning, wouldn’t be as moved by another win as would that who has failed again and again. For the former, it’s just an ongoing streak, for the latter, it would come as a source of great joy and excitement. To understand the sweetness of nectar requires sorest need. It’s only the thirsty who are are refreshed. It’s only by being intentional are we able to see and notice those who have carried us on their shoulders. Those who have guided us on our path. We will never automatically appreciate the strides we are making until we step out of our success and see all that is going on in the world. Then we can see how things have actually played out for our favor. We may not have all we desire yet but there are people who would appreciate that which seems dispensable and useless to us. For us it is just a normal thing, other people, and many they are, would be exceedingly grateful for such a blessing. This in part is the argument Virginia Woolf advances in her remarkable essay On Being Ill when she explains how illness opens up the senses of its victim. I agree with her, for it is when I have been really sick that I have had to imagine, and appreciate, the blessedness of health. Think of it, all the people who have not known a day of wholesome health in their lives. All those battling chronic illnesses, some even incurable. It is them who know the blessedness of good health, not us, who are okay for the better part of our lives. Success is counted sweet by those who never succeed, and we cannot tell so clearly the sweetness of victory as that person who is lying down, defeated, vanquished. We do not really know the pains of the world, at least not yet. Neither do we know that so many people― afflicted, hurt, crushed― would gladly give up their lives just to have ours. I am what I am because the gracious Lord that He is, He sent all the amazing people my way. People who have guided me, who have helped me, who have encouraged me, who have rebuked me, and who have challenged me. Once, on my twitter thread, I came across a quote by Charles Spurgeon, “had there been some circumstance better than that which we are in right now, God would have placed us in that circumstance.” For some, we could attribute the terrible state of their circumstances to complacency, due to their failure to be diligent in business, but as long as we are committed to excellence, every circumstance just happens to be a checkpoint towards the next season of our lives. There’s so much we take for granted as long as it is within reach, but when it is taken from us, then we can now understand what we are without it. We will lose friends and our loved ones at some point, then the part they played in our sanity and well-being, though probably insignificant until then, will become glaringly apparent. It could be difficult, but we do need to cultivate an attitude of gratitude for who we are, who we have, and what we have. It is important that we notice people, that we notice things. Thirst, real thirst could just make a man realize that water is not after all tasteless. Let’s be grateful for what we have, and stop being anxious for what we don’t.

I don’t think most of you reading this chop wood that often, I hope that some of you have, nonetheless, done so once or twice, and that all of us can at least picture the endeavor. I have had to chop wood myself, and I can say with certainty borne from experience that it is not an exactly enjoyable affair, especially if you don’t know how to do it in the first place, or if you are aware that there’s something much better and easier you would rather be doing at that time. Whilst reading Annie Dillard’s book ‘The Writing Life’― very relatable in its exploration of how bleak the life of any serious writer is― I came across this evocative encouragement. Aim for the chopping block. It doesn’t make a lot of sense, does it? Well, the idea here is that when you chop wood, you don’t just aim at the wood you are chopping, but at what’s beyond it, beneath it. That means that if you are chopping wood on the ground, you aim for the ground beneath the wood. I thought this brought a little bit of perspective to the goals most of us have in life. For most people, what matters is they accomplish their goals, nothing more. What if there could be something more than just the goals? Brianna Wiest argues in 101 Essays That Will Change the Way You Think that, achieving goals is not success, how much we expand in the process is. For all we are doing, what will matter in the end is not just the goals we accomplished but the people we became in the process. Only focusing on goals is being too superficial, content with a surface view of the ocean when there’s a much more amazing sight in the depths. While we think about this technique of chopping wood, the popular quote about shooting for the stars, so that even if we miss, we can still land on the moon ends up making much more sense, now that we can think of it reasonably. You treat the wood as a transparent means to an end, by aiming past it. And there are ladies whose hearts you win by focusing on something more than the lady herself, something beyond her. In the end, you become a better person, and you ‘bag’ her in the process. In simple terms, you work diligently on yourself to be worthy of her, and then maybe she just may have to be worthy of you as well. For my fellow medics, you could aim for something beyond a mere grade on a paper, you could instead focus on treating your patient right, on getting them the care they so much deserve. It’s not exactly good grades that will make your patient happy, but should you focus on the latter, good grades will not be so much hard to attain. When you keep the bigger thing in mind, the smaller things give way. Don’t be too superficial. Aim for the chopping block, if you aim for the wood, you will have nothing. Aim past the wood, aim through the wood; aim for the chopping block. References 1. The Writing Life by Annie Dillard. 2. 101 Essays That Will Change the Way You Think by Brianna Wiest

“Henry! Where is this coming from?” you are probably asking, a little surprised at such impertinence. Let me ask, however, have you ever seen as the prettiest lady in the world, beautifully clad and resplendent in the most gorgeous dress? And I’m not talking of the ostentatious bedecking that ladies do nowadays, or of the indecent fashion meant to make a statement to the world. Instead, I am referring to beauty in its most natural and decent form. If you have seen such an angel of a lady, did you tell her she looked nice, that she was pretty that evening? Would you? I was sitting in the library today, and then I stumbled upon this thought, and decided to pursue it to these lengths. I was able to notice that I was not especially frank when it came to my reaction about how ladies looked. I, however, hope to bank on your knowledge of the fact that beauty is such a subjective thing, and different people judge it differently. So why does this have to be a big deal? Well, it isn’t. Nonetheless, allow me explain what I mean. As days go by, most people think more about themselves and little about anything or anybody else, so that today, if anyone gives something, they unconsciously expect the recipients of their kindness to be able to give it back. But does the world really work that way, and are we entitled to receive because we gave? When a man tells a lady she looks beautiful, I have noticed that most of the time, it usually has everything to do with the man and quite little to do with the lady. You look beautiful becomes a statement meant to affirm something in the man rather than in the lady, a statement mostly said in order for the man to get what he wants. That means that on most occasions, the statement is usually a lie. It could be what some people call gas-lighting. Is it right to praise someone when the praise is anything but sincere? I believe our aim should be to praise without flattering. Without lying. We lie when we tell people things we do not mean, things we do not believe to be true ourselves. When it comes to crushes, it certainly is a much more complicated thing. Personally, I soon realized that I was usually a little beside myself when I was around a lady I thought I liked. I could tell all the ladies in the world how beautiful they were, but when there was something special about that lady in my heart, I rarely had the confidence to stand up to her and say those exact words I uttered freely to everybody else. Did that reveal anything? I think it did. It showed that whatever complement I put across was mostly determined by my own feelings and agenda, whatever they were, and rarely issued from a place of sincere appreciation. That’s so immature, and unfair, if you really think about it. I have since realized that all the anxiety that a man could ever have, in this case a good man; or a man who looks like a good man, mostly stems out from the fact that the man, despite his goodness, probably doesn’t have sincere intentions with the lady he thinks he likes. I hope you will now get what I mean when I say that a man becomes mature enough when he can commend his crush for her beauty, without any hints of trying to seduce her, or trying to make her fall in love with him. In his popular book How To Win Friends and Influence People , Dale Carnegie explains that the way to get people to like you is to be first genuinely interested in them without trying to get them to be interested in you. Aha, Henry and friends, I bet you can now see why you have been messing up your chances since the time you tried to win any lady’s affection. It is imperative that we become humble enough to admit that our lives are not that interesting after all, and neither are we the good people we are pretending to be, and are in fact, otherwise. The reasonable thing to do is to be interested in the lady in question without having any qualms of whether she will be interested in you or not; something that more or less goes along the line, I like you but it doesn’t matter if you don’t like me, I like you for the both of us. I hope you are wise enough to never say out loud anything like that previous statement. And just to be clear, it’s a joke. What then? Give but expect nothing in return. Are you willing to love someone fervently despite not knowing if they will ever love you back? If you aren’t, is it even love in the first place? When you see her next time, tell her she looks nice, and mean it. Then walk away, forget about her, and focus on more important things. Don’t deceive yourselves with thoughts that she likes you as well because of a smile she gave you when you complimented her. What matters is that you meant what you said. And to the ladies, if he looks nice, tell him, but be careful not to say this to the immature ones who will then cling at your skirts henceforth because they interpreted an innocent compliment for a romantic interest.

Dear ladies, I am not who you think I am. I am a good person, or at least I try to be, but I am not a great guy. When you spend a lot of time around me, it’s very likely that you will either hate me, or really like me. When you spend so much time around somebody, it’s easy to fall into the temptation of thinking you like them, even think you love them, but do you? In the words of Shakespeare, ‘the whole world’s a stage, men merely players, and one man in his life plays many parts.’ I as well, have many masks, donning the one that suits the occasion. When it counts I am able to put on my best behavior. I’ll be able to command the decorum if need be, even exude the right kind of mien, but will you use a single conversation to judge me, will you summarize my life based on just one or two conversations. Are you sure you know me, or do you just have but an idea of who I am? What do you want to believe about me? do you think I can be that good, that perfect, consistently? Everyday? You don’t see me as I am, but as I appear to be. At first, love appears to be something that unconsciously comes to us. It feels as though its something we are compelled to do. But thereafter love is a choice that we have to make everyday. Infatuation is a beautiful thing, but there comes a time when it all wanes away, and the energy dies of, after that love becomes a deliberate choice we have to make. What if I will get to meet a lady who is more beautiful than my wife, will it be a reason to love my wife less? In youthful passion, when our blood runs hot, as Polonius would say concerning Hamlet in the famous tragedy, how prodigious the tongue lends vows. We may entertain fancies and fantasies, we may hold on to chimeras when there is no price to pay, because love seems a beautiful thing when it costs us nothing, but at the slightest inconvenience reality intrudes. We realize we never loved, and if we did, we only loved ourselves, or just loved the idea of being in love. I am pretending, and when we finally get married, I don’t think I could keep the pretense for that long. I cannot keep wearing the mask. At some point I will get irascible, I will shout at you when in frustration, I will not want to see you or anyone else for a week. Is this the life you will want? May be you want it before you have it. Because you like me you want to believe I am a good person, but I am putting it down candidly when I say that I am not. If anything, I can only hurt you, I can only break your heart. All that may even sound like a beautiful thing abstractly, until I actually do that to you. Akipenda chongo huita kengeza. Randolph Bourne in his essay The Handicapped, addresses the relationships men have with ladies. ‘Why does society assume that every relationship a man has with a woman has to be romantic?’ he asks. ‘How degrading!’ I can almost hear him sigh. When a handicapped man makes friends with a lady, it is mostly true friendship because no one is trying to be good; they are just being themselves. The handicapped man has no need to perform, to have the lady think highly of him; the lady on her part doesn’t try to impress a handicapped man. That way falsehood is stripped away, and there can only be truth, even if in part. That is the nature of true love, it isn't trying to gain anything; it isn’t thinking about itself, and what’s in it for it. You dread thinking that by loving me you are in love with yourself, but it’s the truth. You don’t love me, neither do I you; I don’t want to waste my time trying to make myself believe I do. If you haven’t been able to make yourself happy all this while, why do you think I will now be able to make you happy? The one thing older people have that we lack is perspective. We see a part, and try to make the whole fit that part. Older people see the whole, and then fit the parts into the whole. They have perspective. They have experienced life, and life has taught them not to just see what they want to see. You may enjoy twenty minutes of my time, but that doesn’t mean you will enjoy thirty years of marriage with me. I am growing to know myself, many of you are as well. Are you sure you know what you want already. Why marry a man, and then after a year realize you actually do not love them. Everything seems to be telling you that you won’t be happy, but you still think how beautiful it would be to spend your life with this person. The universe whispers until it shouts. Why do you want me to lie to you, I don’t know myself well enough by now to be sure whether I love you or I am just enjoying the fantasy of being in love with you. When we are paying attention to something, the thing usually exalts itself to the point of seeming so important. Becoming important simply by virtue of us paying attention to it. But is it something that we will always be looking at. There’s a joke I once heard, ‘sometimes its hunger that makes me like a lady, but when I am full, I come back to my senses.’ ( it sounds better is Swahili) Could it be that you are just hungry? Could it be that you are just bored, jaded, tired and love has so exalted itself to that place of importance. May be you know hate me, “just how insensitive can someone be!’ you are probably saying. May be you have always hated me; may be you just don’t care. I broke your heart. Could it be because you chose to entertain an idea of me? Suddenly I stopped doing what you thought I should have been doing; I step out of a notion you had of me. Was it my mistake? Why’d you believe that anyone could be that good, that I could be that good. Why did you debase yourself so much as to think a lady such as yourself, beautiful and gracious, that an idiot like me would ever deserve you. When there are many other better people than myself, why did you still choose me? You know you deserved better, and it was your mistake you looked no other way. I can only hope you learnt your lesson. Why can’t we just be friends? Why do we have to take it farther? Why do we have to make ourselves slaves to such caprices that will only break our hearts? Is it fair that I demand a relationship when we are so better as friends? What happiness would dating add to our companionship that we do not yet enjoy as friends? When you are my friend I won’t have to pretend, we won’t have to pretend. We will still be friend even if we won’t talk for a month. Yes, we won’t have to talk everyday. You wont feel terrible about me not always focusing on you; you will understand that you are not my whole world, that I have other things to do as well. May be I will get better, but it’s likely that I will get worse. It’s good that you have so much hope, but why believe in me so much when I don’t believe in myself. If I don’t love you, truly love you, is it a likely thing that the intenseness of your love will make me fall in love with you? I don’t want to love you because I have pity on you, I don’t want to love you because it is expedient. I want to love you because it is a choice I’m making; because I can never be happy with anyone else as long as you walk on this planet. Retine vim istam, falsa enim dicam, si coges I don’t love you. If I say I do, know its another one of my lies. Restrain your violence, for I will lie if you force me.

People will have questions. Whatever it is that we believe in and hold on to will be questioned.Some people will ask out of contempt. Still, others will ask with sincerity. The important thing we have to do is to avoid making these questions about us. Remove the 'me' that comes out so often when you defend a stance and allow all arguments to anchor on love. Paul puts it expressly in Corinthians that love does not insist on its own way (1 Corinthians 13:4-5). It is the nature of love, to be willing to see things from another person’s point of view. In Jerry Bridges book ‘Respectable Sins,’ he calls our attention to the sins in our lives that we tolerate. He says that as much as we are usually keen to avoid scandalous sins, most of the time we are guilty of pride, selfishness, ungodliness, irritability, anxiety just to mention a few. And while tackling selfishness, one point he addresses is being inconsiderate. Most of the time whatever we do has everything to do with us. Its either we want to look important, more than we actually really are, or we want to paint someone else in a much lesser light than us. The world is teaching us to think more about ourselves than about other people. This is what we call solipsism. The Bible says that we are to think of others as better than ourselves. And that doesn’t mean we are useless, neither does it insinuate that we are dispensable. It just means what it says: that however good we are, we are to think of others as better than ourselves. Difficult to take in, right? Well, the truth’s always hard to take in, at least at first. Therefore, you don't really have to appear important, virtuous or perfect. You only need to show love; sincere and fervent love. Sincere means that it has to be true, no feigning. Fervent means that it is enduring, despite resistance. And most of the time, no, all of the time that is what truly matters. So while we listen to somebody, we might consider thinking critically if there could be just a possibility that they know something that we don’t. It is true that some people can be quite overbearing in that way that is so irritating, that is so selfish and clearly inconsiderate, because after all, the world isn’t short of sociopaths. But if we become those kind of people, especially after we have known the truth, what does it make us? The greatest revenge, it has been said, is to be a good person. And our Lord Jesus Christ said, that even though we have had it told to us, an eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth, yet He said, do not resist anyone who is evil. Matthew 5:38-41. Don’t avenge yourselves, instead, pray for those who persecute you. Forgive them. Because when you forgive them, you deny them power over you. But when you hold a grudge, it's as though you carry fire in your bosom, will you not be burnt? I have noticed something about myself, I don’t take feedback as well as I should. Especially from my family and friends. The fact that these are my friends and my family, the people that will ever truly be close to me, is really disturbing. Because, why would they point out something that is wrong with me? Why would my mom, for instance, comment on a trait or behavior she dislikes? Does my mom have something against me? Is my mom trying to compete with me? She isn’t. And even if she was, isn’t it true that she is more important than I? I exist because she does. I am because she is. So why do I get so defensive when she corrects me? You see, I am the problem. And just like G. K. Chesterton replied to the letter when he was asked to write an essay about what was wrong with the world and he said, ‘I am,’ and mailed it back. So what is wrong with the world? We are. What is wrong with your relationship? You are. What is wrong with your life? You are. What is wrong with your academics? You are. Jordan Peterson says in 12 Rules for Life: Our specific personal faults detrimentally affect the world. Our conscious voluntary sins … make things worse than they have to be. Our inaction, inertia and cynicism removes from the world that part of us that could quell suffering and make peace. And that’s not good (abridged). Our actions are part of a sequence of events that alter so many things. If we correct our mistakes, no matter how small they are or how insignificant they may seem, we make the world a better place. If we fail to take responsibility, we not only fail ourselves, we fail the world. We fail our families, we fail our parents, we fail our bosses; the consequences of our actions are never isolated but detrimentally affect the world. That’s why Rule 6 says: Set your house in perfect order before you criticize the world. When you become defensive, you make arguments to be about you, which most of the time isn't the case. Because, and I hope you won’t feel as though I am contradicting myself, the person you are arguing with has also made it about themselves. So the truth is, it isn’t about you, it's about them. To be defensive is to be weak, and so insecure to the point where we feel that if somebody would say something terrible about us, we would feel as though we weren’t good in any other way. Yet criticism and indifference is what we will always receive from the world. Sure you know of the story of a father and his son, who were taking a donkey to the market to sell. Whatever it is they did: whether they walked along with the donkey, or the son rode it, or the father rode it, or they both rode it, or they carried it, at every point someone criticized their actions. This could be just that, a fable, but we shouldn’t expect better, because at every point someone is going to have something to say about us. That doesn’t matter, what matters is we do the right thing. Whatever becomes of it is ceases to be our business as Ryan Holiday occasionally puts it in his books. So be objective, and regard diligently what you intend to say. Speak slowly, keenly avoiding any contradictions. Speak with grace, to build up your hearers. Don’t say what is not true. Don’t say what you don’t mean Don’t say what you don’t believe. Regret what you didn’t say, not what you did. Do not assume people know what you are talking about. Be audible, speak factually and make sure to avoid unnecessary digressions unless they are truly important to the topic you are addressing. If you have nothing to say, say nothing. Not everything that crosses your mind is worth being mentioned. Don’t say what you think, it should be the other way round. Will what you say give answers? Or will it lead to more doubts? Avoid the latter. Do your convictions stem from the Scriptures? Are you being selfish? Inconsiderate? Knowing how to properly express ourselves is a real deal. It changes circumstances. Whenever we have an opportunity to speak, we will always have a choice, are we going to be egotistical and insensitive jerks only thinking about themselves, or are we going to be regardful and mindful of others instead. The emphasis here is that it is not always about us. Be willing to see someone else’s perspective, listen keenly and respect their view about things. You earn nothing by always telling people they are wrong. If anything you are just making enemies. It is not about you, don’t allow your mind play tricks on you.

Whose woods these are I think I know. His house is in the village; He will not see me stopping here To watch his woods fill up with snow. My little horse must think it queer To stop without a farmhouse near Between the woods and frozen lake The darkest evening of the year. He gives his harness bells a shake To ask if there’s a mistake. The only other sound’s the sweep Of easy wind and downy flake. The woods are lovely, dark and deep, But I have promises to keep, And miles to go before I sleep, And miles to go before I sleep. Anyone who has gone through high school certainly knows of Robert Frost. (Frost? It’s funny this poem is about snow.) In those days, alongside his counterparts, I regarded Robert Frost as a sadist sent to traumatize students studying poetry. Today, when I look back, I see him more in a light of veneration than with a sigh of desperation. The Road Not Taken remains to be my favorite verse, and I bet it is as well for so many others. Whats yours best poem? Who is your best poet? At one time, I was reading an essay addressing the interpretation of poems. The insistence was that poetry is not really important for its intellectual edge as it is for its ability to appeal to the senses. Poetry is first of all meant to be enjoyed before it can be understood. Comprehend the sound before you construe the meaning. I agree. In my high school times the aim was to get what the poem means. There was always the question, what is the poem about? I am sure I got that question right on less than two occasions. My interpretation of any poem was always so wrong, glaringly and embarrassingly wrong. I have since, however, begun to enjoy poems for their sounds, rhymes, and melodies, and then in some kind of epiphany, the meaning has poured itself out. ( Wait, my intention is not to be cheeky, but can you still give the rhyme scheme of the poem?) I am not confident in my skills when it comes to dissecting poems for their meanings, but today, I will share with you what I understood from this poem. Robert Frost (assuming he is the persona) seems to be in a journey, to whence we cannot tell, but then he stops on his way there to look into the woods. To him these woods with all the snow is something beautiful to look upon. It is as if he wants to stand and watch the woods filling with snow for as long as he could, but he remembers that he has a journey ahead of him. He has responsibilities to live up to and promises to keep. And because of that he has to go on with his journey. Beautiful right? This poem has typified my life in so many instances, it may have yours as well. For most of us, we are in a journey, some will call it destiny, some see it as a purpose we have to fulfill. For several people we have goals we look forward to actualizing, may be it is to turn back the tide of lack and poverty in our families, may be it is to alleviate the suffering of people in the world. But in the end, we are pressing forward to do something. Yet on the way there, there would be distractions, there would be things that would nag us to forsake the rightful path, probably for the sake of expedience. The journey during such instances seems to be a long one, and it can always wait, can’t it? Yet the consciousness of responsibility causes the persona (goodness! It feels as though I am in my high school regalia) to get back to his journey. In my article, What am I here for?, I said that for nearly all of us, our aim is to be successful, to be at the top someday if that is what matters to us. However, we cannot take the same path there, our paths are different, and for some of us we cannot bear to compromise, life has simply not made that provision for us. That’s why comparing ourselves to others becomes so destructive. What promises do I have to keep? What responsibilities await me? The answers to these questions are not the same. There are people who can stand back as long as they are want, and watch the woods fill with snow. There are others, and many they are, who have to keep going, focusing on the prize ahead of them. It’s the consciousness of what is demanded of them that galvanizes them to action. What motivates people to work towards their goals and for the betterment of their lives and society, is very peculiar and personal, we do not share destinies after all. The question then becomes what price do I have to pay personally? Once we know the price we have to pay, we will understand and see it as our own burden to carry. We cannot then afford to blame anyone, we cannot point fingers when we fail to deliver. Reaching that destiny will certainly require discipline, and sacrifice. Yet we are not to expect other people to be disciplined in that same way. They may be on a whole different path altogether, and the sacrifices that they may be making or may have to make doesn’t have to resemble the ones we are making. That’s why it is unreasonable to expect others to make the same trade offs we are making, and immature to get resentful because they aren’t sacrificing as much as we are. Yes, it’s all about trade offs. We give something up to have something else, and in this case we give up watching the woods so that we can be fast and on time when it comes to our responsibilities. In the parting shot of his book, 12 Rules for Life, Jordan Peterson, answers the question: what shall I do with my newly found pen of light? He clarifies on what exactly everyone should aim to do with the knowledge they have now acquired. He says, ‘our specific personal faults detrimentally affect the world, our conscious, voluntary sins make things worse than they have to be. Failure to make the proper sacrifices […] weakens us― and in that weakened state we are unable to thrive in the world, being of no benefit to ourselves and to others.’ Robert Greene in Laws of Human Nature puts it more candidly when he says, ‘we are here not merely to gratify our impulses and consume what others have made, but to make and contribute as well, to serve a higher purpose. One time when we were sharing some words with my roommate Njoroge Maina, he explained what drives his commitment to his academics. It made a lot of sense. In the Holy Scriptures, the commandment is that whatever we do, we must do it diligently and faithfully as unto the Lord, without grumbling or complaining. At the end of time we answer to an audience of one. Were we faithful in what had been given to us? because the Master will soon come to settle accounts. Njoroge said that he sees his academic work as divine, a task appointed by God, so that even when tired and weary, he has a reason to rouse himself from sleep and get to work, he serves a purpose higher than himself. In The River and The Source by Margaret Ogola, Mary-Anne explains to Vera that she can serve God in her work, by allowing her Faith in God to permeate her entire life, and to define her work. Mary-Anne exhorts her to do her work, whatever it is, lectures or assignments, well, offering it to God. When we know that we answer to God concerning our work and not man, not even ourselves, the whole perspective of it changes. We cannot do it shoddily anymore. There’s no work in Sheol, where we are going, so whatever our hands find to do, we must do it well. What are your responsibilities? What is your purpose? What are you meant to give to the world? Yes, the woods are beautiful, but we have promises to keep. And miles to go before we sleep. And miles to go before we sleep.